Disclaimer: the following information was deduced from my own self-exploration, and while I aim to be honest, there are things I just do not know, or have trouble expressing. This information is here to help you solve your internal difficulties, and if it does not help, please seek help elsewhere, or within yourself. It is my experience that it is in your own difficulties that you can gain the knowledge of how to overcome that difficulty. In the end, stay true to yourself. This is only my perspective.
Definition of fear
The feeling of resistance that comes when a certain direction in life looks dangerous.
What seems to cause fear
While this might not cover all cases of fear, one of the primary causes of fear seems to be when we perceive an idea as dangerous. The fear is basically a “possible truth”, or a way the world could be, but is not necessarily. These possible truths could range from “I’m in danger of falling and dying” or “I’m about to get bitten by that spider” to “He’s late because he got in a car crash”. Often these ideas have serious implications for your life if they were true, but because you have no proof, they can hang within your mind as a possibility unresolved for a long time.
It is important to note that these “possible truths” conflict with other ideas that you would be more comfortable with, things like “I’m completely safe” or “I’m sure he’s late because of traffic”. It is all too easy to lose sight of the idea one might be comfortable with because the presence of the dangerous idea can attract all the attention.
It is primarily the unresolved conflict between the comfortable idea and the dangerous one that keeps fear alive inside you.
What to do about it
To resolve fear, you need to find a way to resolve the conflict between the comfortable and dangerous ideas.
Now, when we first feel fear, it may be in response to something in particular, rather than an idea. In this case, it’s important to find the idea that’s fueling the fear. To do this, just ask yourself: “Under what conditions would what I’m afraid of be scary?” The ideas about reality that you come up with after asking that question can be responded to with the process outlined below.
Once you have the idea about reality that’s creating the fear, come up with a counter-theory that feels comfortable rather than dangerous. From there, you need to get to the truth of both ideas. Ask yourself: What’s actually causing you to come up with the idea that you fear in the first place? And with the comfortable idea, what’s the truth there? Be honest and frank about the things you don’t know or can’t prove about your comfortable idea, and show yourself where the holes in it are.
Once the truth of both ideas is exposed to you, you can look for possible solutions. Maybe you’ll decide to learn more about a particular area of life, or to make a phone call. A lot of times, just finding out more information can help resolve the fear, because you’ve put your unknowns in front of you, and instead of coming up with theories for what might be true, you can concentrate on finding out more about what IS true.
Working with both the fear and the comforting idea allows for some of your focus to be on the “safe haven” that is often forgotten when focusing solely on the fear. Whatever your safe haven is, there may be some truth to it, too.
Here is a step-by-step process you can use to guide yourself through working through any fear. This can easily be done on a piece of paper or in a text editor:
- First, write down what you’re afraid of. If it’s an idea about reality, just skip to step four.
- For your fear, ask yourself, “Under what conditions would what I fear actually BE scary?”. Write down these conditions under your fear.
- Pick one of the conditions to be your “feared idea”.
- Now that you have your feared idea, write down your comfortable idea – this is the possible truth that you’d rather be true.
- Then write down all the facts regarding your feared idea. What caused you to come up with that idea in the first place? Try to stick with the facts. For instance, if you “know” something just because someone told you, write down only that someone told you it was true.
- Next, write down the truth about your comfortable idea. Regardless of what you’d like to be true, where are the holes in your comfortable idea? How do you define the situation in which the idea is true, and what parts about the present situation don’t meet the ideal? For instance, if your comfortable idea is “everything is going to be ok”, the truth might be “I don’t ACTUALLY know everything’s going to be ok, but at the same time, I have no proof that it isn’t.”
- Finally, with the real truth of the situation in front of you, try to come up with solutions. What decisions can you make, such as gathering information, making phone calls, etc., to resolve the matter. It might be something more passive like accepting the unknowns in life, as well.
- Repeat the steps above for any additional fears or feared ideas that come up during the process.
If you are working through emotional pain, you may encounter the idea of trying to become accepting of everything. This will reduce the pain you experience, yes, BUT: DO NOT BE FOOLED INTO ACCEPTING ANY IDEA AS TRUE – the fact that we fear an idea doesn’t mean that we’re just too cowardly to accept the “truth” – every fear is only a POSSIBLE TRUTH, and it’s important to treat it as such, rather than diving headfirst into every dangerous idea that pops into your head in order to be courageous or solve emotional pain or whatever other reason.
Remember: The goal with fear IS NOT to accept the feared idea, but to find the truth of it.
If You Feel Like There’s No Escape
One thing to remember if you feel like there’s no escape:
No matter how inescapable a situation seems, it can only ever SEEM inescapable. The fact that it seems inescapable means that the option is available for you to keep searching for another way out. Even when you’ve exhausted all your known options, that doesn’t mean you’ve exhausted all your unknown options. After all, how could you know the unknown? First you have to discover it, and searching for answers can be a good way of uncovering more options than the ones you already know. I mention this because it seems to me that just knowing that there’s a way forward, even when it seems to be a FACT that there’s no escape and that things are hopeless, provides a consolation and a place of safety from fear. After all, even when confronted with your worst fear – maybe there is a way out, or maybe, even if all seems lost, you can rest in knowing that you don’t know, REALLY what will happen when you face your fear.
Benefits of working through fear
- Less anxiety
- Less fear (!)
- More ease in the living of life
- More confidence in your way of perceiving the world
- Inner strength
- Less of a need to self-decieve or ignore fears as a coping mechanism
Articles about Fear
Self-Deceit: Falling for an Illusion (a fear coping mechanism)
Calming the Desire for Immortality (about the fear of death)