The Deep Darkness of Desire

The Darkness of Desire

Like a black hole, Desire tries to consume and destroy what makes it uncomfortable, including your own willpower! Stumbled across him while doing creative visualization.

Loneliness, fear, sorrow… being doubted, questioned, mistrusted, rejected… in pain, powerless, dead inside…. tragedy… loss… What do you think about these feelings?

For most of us, myself included, we’d rather not feel these things. And since certain circumstances bring out these feelings in us, it’s only natural to want to change our circumstances so that we have to feel these things as little as possible.

Yet when we’re not willing to feel certain things, we ignore ourselves during our times of greatest need. Our desire to not feel something doesn’t show us how, in our pursuit of something, we trample over our own spirit, the part of ourselves to whom it feels natural to feel those ways. All Desire can see is the goal.

Desire, to me, is the embodiment of ‘the ends justify the means’.

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Find Your Unconditional Kindness, Feel Self-Acceptance

“Avoid the signs.”

Oftentimes in life, the way we find our goals is by criticizing every wrong move we make. We think, “well, if I can avoid doing it wrong, if I PUNISH myself for doing it wrong, then I’ll end up doing it right, eventually.” Yeah but, how does it feel?

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Restricted Emotions – Questioning the Chains around your Heart

One of the Restricted Emotions

“Someday… we will be free!”

Ever had a feeling and then thought to yourself, “I’m stupid for feeling this way.”? And then have you tried to stop the feeling, and restrict your emotions? Well, those emotions are like people in chains. And the ones holding the chains are the voices inside you who are saying, “You’re so stupid for feeling that way!”

Thoughts like: “I can’t believe I’m so upset.” “I can’t get this angry!” “Damn it, I need to tough it out, not get so down about everything…” – these come from restricting your emotions.

“But… but I can’t just let my emotions run wild!” you might say. Yeah, part of me thinks the same way. I think – well, if I just let loose, well, who knows what could happen? I might get out of control – I might go in a direction in life I don’t want to. I might do stupid things, I might get egotistical. Better to shut my self down, right?

Well, I think there’s another way. Do I know what it is yet? I have theories, but… no, I don’t know.

One thing to keep in mind is that when you restrict your emotions, each emotion is coming from a part of yourself who you are devaluing. You think – “if they are acting that way, they must not be worthy of my attention.” But you know what, they are. Who says one part of you has the right to treat other parts of you in such a way?

Or do you really want to drag yourself, kicking and screaming, to every goal in life? The part of you kicking and screaming might have something important to say about it all.

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Distrust of Love, the Destroyer

Today, my Irresponsible Self was giving me a lot of problems. Didn’t want to clean out the dishwasher, didn’t want to clean pots, didn’t want to take a shower. He didn’t even enjoy playing a video game, which he suggested (in my thoughts) I do in the first place! So I decided to delve deeper and find out what was really bothering him. I lay down, and opened myself up, to let that side of me tell me what was bothering him.

What he showed me in my thoughts was a kind of a story. I don’t know how accurate it is, but it goes a little something like this:

The Distrust of Love destroying my state of being where love and joy abounded.

A long time ago, I had a state of being inside me, like a city, in which there was an abundance of love, justice, and joy. It was wonderful to live in. Then, one day, a being appeared, like a giant snake wrapped around the city with a crazed look on its face. It had feelings of doubt and resentment towards this state of being. The people living in the city tried to fight it, but because they doubted themselves, didn’t know the reason for the snake being there, and thought that maybe the snake’s view on life was correct, they could not defend the city. This city, this state of being, no longer exists – and nothing inside me knows how exactly it fell or what can be done about it right now.

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Calming the Desire for Immortality

The source of struggle, the part of you who fears death and desires immortality. He also looks down on those “simple people” who don’t pursue great things like him.

When you think about death, what are some of the thoughts that come up? This can be for yourself or others. Perhaps one of the thoughts in there goes something like this: “It isn’t fair, it’s not fair that I should die, that anything should end. I’ll find a way to avoid that kind of finality…”

The force inside you that those thoughts come from responds to death and loss with the desire to become immortal. It wants to become “somebody”, to make its mark on history, or to simply live on through the memories of others. I can come up with all sorts of ways to do this, too. For instance, say you have a hobby you like, such as Badminton. Maybe this part of you thinks about training to be an Olympic level Badminton player, and to win fame and fortune through that. THEN it will be remembered, THEN it will have surpassed death.

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Anger towards Anger

Long story short for those who don’t want to read: Driving yourself towards dreams with desperation instead of love will create a controlling hypocrite in you. (Or something like that)

Last night I discovered that there was a part of me that got mad at myself for getting angry. Total hypocrite. After delving further, I found out that this part of me was trying to experiment on me, and make sure I would become a person without anger. This was all because it fit into his grandiose life plans – he wanted to become a legendary individual, far greater than anybody else, renowned far and wide for his deeds.

On asking why this was so important, it was mostly because he hated and feared the idea of living a “common” life, and started to get upset at the thought. But then, I challenged him, telling him that was B.S. because he was already great, and he did not have to stand out in the ways he described. He at first thought I was just saying it to make him feel better.

But after a bit more back and forth, I found out that the key difficulty with all of his grand dreams was that he was seeking that dream with desperation instead of with love. At this, he finally agreed with me, and we made peace.