Maybe you’ve been perturbed at someone who seems to know a lot more than you do. Yep, even today I felt the same way. And I know it’s not always just because of jealousy, but because the way they live their life makes you reflect on your own path.
“Is my way wrong? Am I missing something?” These were the kinds of questions I was asking myself.
Sometimes I worry about these things. I wonder if there might be something, just outside of my awareness, that if I was aware of it, it would make a huge difference in my life.
Then people come by who seem to have it all figured out, like they’ve found the thing, and yet, what they say doesn’t seem helpful to me at all. Frustrating!
Today, my Irresponsible Self was giving me a lot of problems. Didn’t want to clean out the dishwasher, didn’t want to clean pots, didn’t want to take a shower. He didn’t even enjoy playing a video game, which he suggested (in my thoughts) I do in the first place! So I decided to delve deeper and find out what was really bothering him. I lay down, and opened myself up, to let that side of me tell me what was bothering him.
What he showed me in my thoughts was a kind of a story. I don’t know how accurate it is, but it goes a little something like this:
The Distrust of Love destroying my state of being where love and joy abounded.
A long time ago, I had a state of being inside me, like a city, in which there was an abundance of love, justice, and joy. It was wonderful to live in. Then, one day, a being appeared, like a giant snake wrapped around the city with a crazed look on its face. It had feelings of doubt and resentment towards this state of being. The people living in the city tried to fight it, but because they doubted themselves, didn’t know the reason for the snake being there, and thought that maybe the snake’s view on life was correct, they could not defend the city. This city, this state of being, no longer exists – and nothing inside me knows how exactly it fell or what can be done about it right now.
Today I found that the key reason why I can feel self-doubt is because the part of me that makes decisions has hidden conflicts with the absolutely confident (and for the “right” reasons only, he might add) part of myself.
This inner warrior draws a hard line and does what he thinks is right at all time, no matter how tough or what he has to go through (at least that’s how he tries to live). So the playful side of myself occasionally gets on his nerves. When there’s a lack of trust between the inner decision maker and the inner warrior, then I feel separate from my confidence. But when we’re going the same direction, we are unstoppable.
Ok, maybe still stoppable, but we’re getting there.
I think the key to go from self-doubt to confidence again is to not let the fear of conflict stop you from having it out with your inner warrior. Resolve your conflicts even if they might be tough ones, even if he doesn’t trust you one bit anymore. And don’t let him boss you around either – that’s not his job, and it can be damaging to be so demanding! Just because he’s a warrior, and he does what he thinks is right, doesn’t mean he knows everything. Or a her – warriors can be females too of course – it’s all dependent on how you imagine these inner forces : )