My Inner Warrior, being stared down by The Knowledge of Death, who often takes the form of a blood-stained hawk.
Today, a challenge was given to me: to accept death. My warrior encountered the side of myself who dwells in the knowledge of death (and all of the most horrible aspects of reality). This made me realize the warrior side of me was still weak, still not looking death in the face.
It turns out that the side of myself who appeared as a hawk with bloodstained wings (who I mentioned briefly here), and the side that keeps death in mind, are one in the same. Needless to say, many other parts of me try to ignore him or avoid him, thinking instead about particular aspects of life that favor what they want in the moment, rather than the whole.
For instance, think about goals. If you have a goal in life, thinking about how death would render that goal meaningless probably isn’t going to help you. It might bring you down, or, even if you do accomplish the goal, thinking about death might leave you with an empty feeling.
And warriors operate on goals: they see a goal, and break through the barriers standing in the way. But what is that warrior fighting for? If they kept death in mind, the impermanence of things, would they make the same choice?
It seems that conflict is necessary for peace. How does that make sense? Because with the willingness to engage in conflict you can face down those things within and without that disrupt peace. To not do so is to let yourself be enslaved and manipulated by these threats to peace, such as anger, hatred, and so on. All they have to argue is “you betta be peaceful!” and you’ll shut down? Arguing, conflicting with others is part of respecting yourself – as long as it’s not arbitrary, as long as you don’t intend to stir up unnecessary trouble. Conflict is best engaged in with the intent to resolve conflict that was already there – perhaps under the surface. It’s like potential energy in physics, like with a loaded spring. That spring wants to boing, don’t let it stew. Call out the anger and resentment and the desire to control hovering under the surface of those around you, and you’ll be respecting yourself and becoming more free.
That doesn’t mean you need to fear peace, either. Just stay in tune with your ability to sense that something’s wrong – like when you’re starting to feel annoyed inside. At that point, just try to get to the root of the conflict, by challenging whatever needs to be challenged, within or outside of you. The truth will come out in the conflict, and you might find in others, or yourself, false beliefs that you’ve been relying on, but which cause unnecessary conflict, destroying peace.
Today I found that the key reason why I can feel self-doubt is because the part of me that makes decisions has hidden conflicts with the absolutely confident (and for the “right” reasons only, he might add) part of myself.
This inner warrior draws a hard line and does what he thinks is right at all time, no matter how tough or what he has to go through (at least that’s how he tries to live). So the playful side of myself occasionally gets on his nerves. When there’s a lack of trust between the inner decision maker and the inner warrior, then I feel separate from my confidence. But when we’re going the same direction, we are unstoppable.
Ok, maybe still stoppable, but we’re getting there.
I think the key to go from self-doubt to confidence again is to not let the fear of conflict stop you from having it out with your inner warrior. Resolve your conflicts even if they might be tough ones, even if he doesn’t trust you one bit anymore. And don’t let him boss you around either – that’s not his job, and it can be damaging to be so demanding! Just because he’s a warrior, and he does what he thinks is right, doesn’t mean he knows everything. Or a her – warriors can be females too of course – it’s all dependent on how you imagine these inner forces : )
This one might be pretty obvious, but…
If you do not want to think certain things, and are afraid of thinking them – those thoughts will pop into your head and freak you out. Once you see that it is the fear of the thought that causes the thought, then you can bust down your unfounded fear. You got this!