Before I continue on with my explanation of how I overcame my inner deceiver, I wanted to share a monstrous vision I had less than an hour ago.
I was bored and didn’t know what to do, so I closed my eyes and started to visualize and open up to the thoughts and emotions inside of me – meditation, basically – but what I saw this time were a number of parts of me who are energetic, caring, and a very positive force in me – inside of a small domed room. Inside was a researcher pacing back and forth, telling us with great enthusiasm how what we needed to do, that this was a meditation room and we needed to relax and everything I just mentioned. I started to argue – “Why do we need to listen to you anyway?” “Just do it, it will be practical, and now is a good time to do it.”
But then the researcher crossed the line and started saying things like:
“You are all very fortunate – you’re important to the project that we have going here.” Or some crap like that. He was treating me as an experiment. A lab rat.
At this, I remembered a time when I had treated one of MY friends this way, when I was 7 or something, and called him average. Well, I felt like a complete monster after that, and now I have a glimpse of why. I am treating myself like an experiment – there’s a bureaucratic part of my consciousness that seeks to control and achieve ends it deems favorable, desirable. Now that I see this, I’m both infuriated and excited. It means I will soon, or some day have a chance to fight with this inane researcher within me – but I’m infuriated because it’s still living in me, and still has that much of a presence that on a random afternoon, IT is what’s talking to me.
Anyhow, just thought I’d share that. Onward! I’ll get back to the other topic tomorrow.